Whisper My Last Goodbye Read online

  “Oh my God, you’ve done it haven’t you?”

  Harpur nodded her head. She was still digesting her actions. “Yeah, it’s a bit of fun isn’t it? We’re both adults now and like you said, it’s not like we will run away together is it?”

  The pair of them sat chatting for a few minutes when an alert was heard from her phone. Bridget picked her phone up and shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not me, it must be you.”

  Harpur pulled her phone from her pocket and she studied the screen. Her jaw hung low and her eyes were wide open. “He’s added me, he’s accepted my friend request.”

  Bridget jumped up from her seat and sat next to Harpur, scanning the screen. “What a result! He did it so fast too. See, he’s an eager beaver. Send him a message and see how he is. Go on, let’s see what he has to say for himself.”

  This was all going way too fast and Harpur seemed to be caught up in the moment. She was alive and excited. “Send a message saying what?”

  Bridget sat thinking for a few seconds. “I don’t know, erm, just say ‘how are you doing?’”

  Harpur scowled. “No, that’s so cheesy. Think of something else.”

  Bridget sniggered and sat back in her seat. “Well, say ‘I still fancy you’ then and cut to the chase. Let’s see what he has to say to that.”

  Harpur giggled and held the bottom of her stomach. “I don’t fancy him at all. Get that out of your head. You better stop saying stuff like that, you’ll get me in trouble if anyone gets wind of it. I’m just interested to see how his life has turned out that’s all.”

  “Oh, just write something, anything, just let’s see what he has to say for now.” Harpur licked her tongue across her front teeth and her fingers started to type. Bridget was peering over her shoulder, egging her on.

  “Hi there Dessie, it’s been years since we’ve spoken, how are you doing? Hope you’re well Love Harpur x”

  She pressed the send button and turned to face Bridget. “There you go. Who says I don’t have any balls?”

  God this was getting out of control. What next? A meeting? Sex? A broken marriage? Stories like this were all over the media, internet romance, blasts from the past, meeting over Facebook years later. Neil hated social media and said only people who had no lives went on it. Why would anyone want to get in touch with old school mates or old work colleagues? No, his view was final. Facebook was for sad, lonely, bored people. Harpur didn’t seem to care anymore what her husband’s thoughts were. She was actually laughing, she had colour in her cheeks, she was alive inside again. The two of them sat watching the phone for a few minutes, there was nothing, not a peep. Was he playing it cool? Had he even read the message? Harpur wasn’t sure anymore. This had all gone pear-shaped and backfired on her. Perhaps he thought she was desperate, a stalker, someone he wanted to forget forever.

  Bridget was aware she was a bit downhearted and patted the top of her shoulder. “Stop flapping, he’ll reply to you just give him time. Trust me, if he doesn’t I’ll show my arse in the corner shop.”

  Harpur burst out laughing. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re just always there to cheer me up when I’m feeling a bit down. Come on then, put some tunes on and we can see if I’ve still got some kick-arse moves left in me before you recruit another dancing partner.” Bridget didn’t need to be asked twice. She jumped up from her seat and flicked the music back on. This was a girl’s night in and nothing was going to spoil it.

  *

  Harpur had been in bed now for over twenty minutes. Neil was still downstairs watching the highlights from the football match he’d watched earlier. She could never get her head around his obsession with football and often asked him why he was so passionate about the sport. It was the same every time his teamed played. He’d watch the highlights and then tune into TalkSport on the radio to listen to the presenters talking about the same game he’d watched twice. Talk Shite she nicknamed it. It bored the life out of her, just as her husband did. In fairness she liked football until she married Neil. He just made her sick to the back teeth of it. He took the fun out of it. If his football team lost then the house would be up, he’d call his team every bastard name under the sun. He’d shout at the screen, launch stuff at the TV, and his language was horrific. Yes, Neil was a football fanatic. The moon was full tonight. A silver, enchanting ball of mystical light. Everything was so quiet in the bedroom and she was starting to unwind. Joanne had not long come to bed and she could hear her in the next bedroom rummaging about. Harpur closed her eyes, she could hear the TV being unplugged downstairs. That was all she needed, Neil waffling down her ear all night long about the football results. Turning on her side, she tucked the duvet tightly around her body. There would be no sex tonight, no hanky panky. She was pretending to be asleep. It was already late and she had to be up early tomorrow to the bins out. Sex was the last thing on her mind at that moment and something she could do without. It was just a chore for her these days, he didn’t turn her on anymore. It was just two bodies banging together. No passion, no lust, no kissing, just laborious sex. Harpur listened carefully and heard Neil coming up the stairs. She knew every creak, every stair he stood on. The noise of his feet coming up the stairs stopped suddenly, nothing, complete silence. Harpur listened again but still not a sound. Eyes closing slowly, she started to drift off to sleep. Perhaps he’d changed his mind and decided to watch a film downstairs.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “Mam, have you got some money for me please? I’m going to nip to town with a few of the girls. Just twenty quid will do. I’ll pay you back when I get a job. I promise I’ve got an interview this week that could land me a great job. A fantastic career.” Before Harpur could open her eyes, Maddie had opened her handbag and she was already locating her purse to hand over to her. “Can you hurry up mam, they’ll be here in ten minutes and I’ve not even started my hair yet.” Neil rolled over and smiled at his daughter. “I’ll drop you off in town if you want princess, just give me five minutes to have a coffee and I’ll be ready to go.” Maddie nearly choked. There was no way in this world she was letting her old man drive her about in his shite car. Her friends would have made her a laughing stock. I mean who drove a Renault Clio anymore? They were family cars, for pensioners.

  She had to tread carefully so as not to hurt his feelings. “No dad, you stay in bed. You need to stop being so protective over me. I’m old enough to look after myself now. It’s just embarrassing you ringing my phone all the time and checking on me. Take a chill pill and relax. I’m streetwise, dad. I know the crack.” Oh, this girl had attitude. Considering she was brought up in a loving household, she always seemed so angry and wanted more from life. It was like her parents weren’t good enough for her. This girl loved money and power and it was common knowledge that she would never even consider going on a date with a guy unless he had a few quid. Yes, this girl was a gold digger and she wasn’t afraid to admit it. Sam, her brother, had taught her all she knew about how to get what she wanted in life and he made sure that she was always looked after by anyone she decided to date. Maddie was always getting gifts, nights out, weekends away. Her parents didn’t really have a clue what she was into either. She was shady too, something wasn’t quite right about her. But this girl had seemed to have lost her shine lately. The weight had dropped from her, she didn’t seem to dress the way she used to and she was always snappy.

  Harpur snarled over at daughter and she knew she was treading on thin ice. Alright, she was right about Neil still treating her like a baby, but there was no need for her reaction when he was only trying to help her. “Oi, lippy. Your dad is just showing he cares about you that’s all. Stop being so cocky with him.”

  Neil could see Harpur was getting ready to kick off and sat up in bed. “It’s okay, love. She doesn’t mean anything by it. I know what she means, I am a bit too protective of her and I suppose she’s right, I do need to back off.” Neil was making excuses for her again. He should have just put his foot down and to
ld her there and then that Dad’s taxi was now no longer available for her. That would have shut her up, that would have made her think twice before she started with her attitude towards her father. Maddie left the bedroom in a huff. No wonder she’d moved in with Diane, they did her head in. Harpur looked over at her husband. “She’s getting a right attitude on her. She doesn’t talk to me like that so why do you allow her to do it with you?”

  Neil touched the side of her cheek with his finger. “Give me a kiss and shut up moaning. I’m sure it’s time for our once a month sex session isn’t it?” Was he taking the piss here or what? She wasn’t sure. Sex was nowhere near once a month, his sex drive was low and she was lucky to get any slap and tickle whatsoever. She examined him further, what had changed between them, why was he feeling horny all of a sudden? Harpur smirked at him and her eyes said it all. Neil moved in for a kiss, he was really into this, tongues the lot. Harpur had her eyes half open and watched him carefully, this was different, he’d never kissed her like this before. His hand lifted her t-shirt up and he was kissing and stroking her body. Harpur started to enjoy it now, she was making the most of it, God knows when he would be like this again.

  Neil rolled off her body and lay gagging for his breath. The guy had put a graft in for sure. Harpur lay watching him and studied him longer than she needed to. This was so not him, he was never like this in the bedroom. Perhaps he’d been watching more porn than normal, picking up some tips from the filth he watched. Harpur knew he liked watching films like that but in her eyes it was normal, something most men did to get their kicks when their own sex life was stale and boring.

  “Right, I better get gone. The lads are starting a new job today and we have to be there early to make sure it all goes to plan.”

  Harpur watched him get out of bed and couldn’t help but notice a few red blemishes on his bum cheeks. Had she just done that to him or were they already there? She wasn’t sure. “I’m at the gym tonight Neil, so will you make your own tea when you come home? I could throw something together by all means but you know you hate warming stuff up.”

  “Yeah, sorted. I’ll grab something from the takeaway on my way home. Shall I get you something?” Harpur froze, what was up with him this morning? He would never buy her anything without asking for some money for it first. He was as tight as a fish’s arse and never spent a penny more than he had to. She waited on him asking her for some money, but he said nothing. Neil was ready in seconds and after a quick kiss on her cheek he left the room. “See you later babes. Enjoy your day.”

  Harpur stretched out fully on the bed and yawned. She had no hangover this morning. It was surprising after what she’d drunk. Reaching over to her mobile, she started to read her updates. It was just the usual stuff, friend requests, people poking her begging her to speak to them. Hold on, her eyes were wide open. She rubbed her knuckles deep into her eyes and sat up in her bed. Here it was, a reply from Dessie. She just sat looking at her screen. What had he replied? what if he didn’t want to speak to her ever again? Harpur sucked in a large mouthful of air and opened the message. Here goes, the moment of truth.

  “Hi there Harpur. How mad is it that we are speaking again after all these years? I’ve looked at your photographs and you haven’t changed a bit, still gorgeous in my eyes, you always will be. What have you been up to? Are you married? Kids? Do you work? Hope to hear from you soon Love Dessie X”

  Harpur was gobsmacked, did he really say she was gorgeous? And, he’d looked at her photographs already. Without any hesitation, she clicked onto his profile and scrolled down to view his photo albums. She was eager to see them; hands trembling she waited for them to load. Harpur’s eyes never left the screen. Was it bad that she was looking at his private moments? He’d already told her he’d looked at hers so what was the harm in her checking his out? She was smiling, her fingers slowly clicking onto the next photo. There was a snap of two children. She examined it closely. Was this his family? Was he married too? Once she’d finished she sat back in her bed and read through the message again, analysing it this time. Her heart was fluttering and at that moment she realised there was no going back. What was the harm in having a few male friends anyway... Her fingers hit the keyboard and she began to reply to his message.

  “Hi Dessie, glad to hear you are well. I’m married now with two children living in Manchester and I work as a receptionist for a motor company. Life is good at my end and I’m still good friends with Bridget, do you still remember her (the gobby one), love Harpur X”

  She re-read her message before she sent it. Should she say she’d looked at his photographs too? No, no way, she was playing this cool. She continued to write.

  “P.S Where are you living now? Are you married etc, job? Anyway glad to know you are still alive and well and life is treating you well. Keep smiling and have a nice day.”

  There it was, her first proper message to Dessie Ryan. Was it too much? Had she asked too many questions? She wasn’t sure. Her finger hovered over the keyboard on her phone. Just press the button and send it, what was she waiting for? Harpur took a deep breath and closed her eyes. There it was, she’d sent it. With a hand held around her neck, she itched at her skin. The bedroom door opened and Joseph startled her. Her grandson was just stood there looking at her. She had guilt written all over her face and she was stuck for words for a split second. “Come on, come and get in bed for five minutes.” Harpur patted the bed and he ran up towards her.

  “Nana, when is my daddy coming home? Every time I ask my mam she says soon. How long is soon, because it seems a very long time.”

  Harpur raised a smile. Her grandson was so clever and she always made a point of not lying to him. “Your daddy will be home in eight weeks sweetheart. That’s not long is it? And, when he’s home you and mummy and daddy will all live together and live happily ever after.”

  Joseph digested what he’d just heard and he scowled. “But I want to stay here with you and Grandad. Daddy is horrible to mummy and he makes her cry all the time.”

  Harpur gently stroked the top of his head and gasped her breath. She knew exactly what was going on before her son was sent to jail but no matter how much she tried, she could never get him to change his ways. Joanne was just as bad though, she was a loudmouth and just added fuel to the fire when he kicked off. Was it her fault her son had turned out like this? Was it the life he’d led when she lived with his father? Sam had witnessed a lot of violence when he was younger. Horrific domestic abuse and surely it must have affected him. Harpur looked at the scar across her forearm, a long deep abrasion in her skin. Her heart was beating faster than normal now and the memories of what she’d suffered started to flood back to her. Joseph kissed his nana on the cheek and realised something was wrong. “I love you,” he whispered in a soft voice.

  Harpur sighed and kissed him on his rosy red cheek. “I love you too. Don’t you ever worry about anything. I will always be here for you, no matter what. You know that don’t you?”

  Joseph had switched off now and he was starting to wriggle about on the bed, restless. Harpur got up out of bed and made her way onto the landing with Joseph tagging along behind her. Joanne’s bedroom door was shut and she could see her still lay asleep in bed through the small crack in the bedroom door. She was a right lazy cow and she should have been up out of bed with her son. Harpur stomped down the stairs and knew she would be the one making breakfast again for her grandson. What would happen when they moved out? Who would feed Joseph then? Who would make sure he was getting three meals a day? Harpur was going to make a point of mentioning this the next time her and Joanne were together. It was time for her to grow up, to be a proper mother and do all the things expected of her.

  Harpur checked the time on the clock on the kitchen wall. She had an appointment today with her counsellor and she just hoped he could help her get through this tough time in her life. Mark had been seeing Harpur on and off for a few months now. Sometimes she was fine and sailed through life but so
metimes, everything got on top of her and she felt like the world was caving in on her. Recent events had nearly pushed her over the edge. Grief was such a hard emotion to overcome. There is no time limit on it, no magic pill that takes the pain away. ‘Time’s a great to healer’ they say. But who can say for sure if anyone really gets over a death of a loved one. Does anyone ever really heal? There were always people all over the news still crying years later about the loved ones they’d lost. Perhaps when a loved one dies they take a piece of you with them, a part of you that can never be replaced.

  Joseph sat at the kitchen table eating his cornflakes. Harpur sat watching him, sipping on her coffee. Her head was away with the fairies and just like every other morning when she woke up, her brother was lying heavily on her mind. Harpur walked to the back door and she could hear a phone alert in her pocket. Popping a fag into the corner of her mouth, she pulled it out and glanced at the screen. It was him again, Dessie. Harpur. She was in a panic, she checked nobody was watching her and quickly opened the message.

  “Hi there, I’m glad you replied to my message. I thought I was a bit too forward in asking all the questions I did but I’m glad you were not offended by them. Anyway, to cut a long story short I live in Spain now with my two sons. I work as a finance manager and enjoy the life I live. It’s a bit boring at times but at least I have the sunshine to keep me happy. I’ve not been in Manchester for over two years now, the rain and misery keeps me away plus a few bad memories I’d rather not speak about. My sons are called Marcus and Arelius, aged ten and six. They’re good kids and have great lively personalities. I’d love to meet up if and when I come to Manchester, if you are up for it. No pressure, just a mate date. The sun is hot today here and I’m already in work. Perhaps we could have a Skype chat, you know where we can see each other on screen? Have a great day and I hope you’re well. Love Dessie X”